The Messiah From The North

The heat shimmered over the river that ran silent and deep through the city. Under the grand bridges and past the ancient facades. The historic clock tower stood as a sentinel over the Houses of Parliament where people go who have had too much sugar and think they can run the country. 

This is a report by Si Shorthande of the independent news organisation called Publishing Rubbish Even if Seeming Sane (P.R.E.S.S). 

Now, one such man, named Andre Burntham, arrived in a grand carriage that he boarded in the fine city of Madchester. He being the self-declared Knight of The North, arrived in the capital to sort out the mess created by the inept fellow that went before him by the name of Keith Stammer. 

Little did either Andre and Keith know, that many people who sat in the rear stalls, were conspiring to usurp them both. A fellow associate of the assembly (many people incorrectly refer to them as Members of Parliament or MPs. This is incorrect and has been for hundreds of years. Their full correct title is Associated Regionally Selected Entity (A.R.S.E)) named EJ Cane is plotting to overthrow them both. 

In political terms, the overthrow is difficult to pull off. It requires a well-practiced arm and a custard pie of a delicately balanced consistency for it to be projected across the Shed of Commoners (often referred to as ‘The House of Commons’ by posh people) during Prime Ministers Don’t Answer The Question” time on a Wednesday. 

But, a well-aimed pie, landing squarely in the face of the target means that person has been overthrown and must remove themselves from office with immediate effect. This is also an ancient rule in the Shed of Commoners.

So, while Mr Burntham arrived like a messiah, AJ Cane was busy working on a perfect custard pie mix, ready for the Grand Opening of Parliament whenever the ARSE’s can be bothered to finish their holidays. 

We shall report back as soon as we have more on this story…