Sort The Tea Bags Out
I was in our kitchen making tea. Nice and normal. Until I saw the reserve tea bags.
A theory developed in my mind, right there. Because when I make tea with the reserve tea bags? Mary never enjoys it as much.
The theory? Round tea bags are a scam.
They’re flawed. Fatally flawed. Because without corners, they can’t steep properly. And that means one thing: weak tea.
There is something else as well. A question that has troubled many tea drinkers before me. What do they do with all the corners that get lopped off to make round tea bags?
But anyway, nobody wants weak tea. Not even people who pretend to like flavoured tea. And definitely not Mary.
See, I made tea in the pot and watched what happens. I kept the kettle boiled of course, to top up with new water in case of any excessive cooling. And in the pot? The round ones avoided the sides of the pot like they owed them money.
But when I re-brewed with square bags? They made contact with the sides of the pot. They bumped the sides and each other like bumper cars at a circus.
Let that settle.
They. Make. Contact.
I tried the same experiment in a mug. Same thing. The square ones grip the side of the mug like they mean it. Like they’ve turned up to do a job.
I told Mary about this discovery.
—We need square tea bags as the reserve ones.
—Why?
—The round ones avoid steeping.
—Steeping?
—Yeah, the processing of soaking to allow flavour to come out.
—I know what steeping means. What I don’t get is why you think the shape of the bag makes any difference.
—Round ones glide. The square ones are like bumper cars. So steeping—
—Were you bored waiting for the kettle again?
Right, so my poorer tea efforts are down to me, according to Mary. I’m not having that.
Why did the tea barons decide to go with round? Simple: you have to use more tea bags. Which means you buy more boxes. Which means… profit.
Somewhere in a sleek corporate boardroom:
CEO:
Sales are up!
FINANCE DIRECTOR:
Profits up 98%!
MARKETING DIRECTOR:
It’s the new round bags—brilliant idea.
CEO:
Let’s have tea to celebrate.
EVERYONE:
Yes! But make it with the square ones, obviously. We’re not animals.
So I say this to you, my fellow tea drinkers:
Reject the circle. Embrace the square. Conduct your own experiments and see what I mean.
And for the love of all that’s tea—
DO NOT put the milk in first.
Right, I’ve made tea. With SQUARE tea bags. And Mary is enjoying it.
Told you.