A Football Conundrum

In the grand year of 1863 the Football Association came into being. Following the principle that teams would play against each other whilst trying hard to score goals. And to win. 

This was wrong. 

In more recent times, a secretive organisation called the Federation for the Absolute Friction of Footwork (FAFF) were formed. They are the ones who ensure that whenever a match threatens to get exciting, a referee blows a whistle for an invisible foul, or a three-minute VAR check occurs to see if a striker’s shoelace was in an unauthorised position.

This ensures that fans in the stadium and those watching on television, maintain a healthy blood pressure and heart rate. 

Mr Barry Bore, a spokesman for FAFF, said: “Football has always been about properly organised teams and matches that do not harm the health of the earth worms living in the grass the games are played upon.” 

When challenged by a football fan called Keith from Portsmouth who said: “Oi! Mate! We want to watch exciting football, not this boring crap!” Mr Bore responded by saying: “No, you don’t, you’ll get over-excited.” 

Now, the reach that FAFF has is significant. They’ve infiltrated the game at player level. Where the Professional Footballers Association has made it clear that it doesn’t want its players running around getting sweaty and tired. 

Even the managers are supporting FAFF. Luigi Passbacke, manager of South London FC said: “Players should not be forced to score goals. It could damage their mental health.” 

But all is not lost. And it gets very annoyed when people keep saying it. All has known for years, that it is not lost.

There is another organisation. A rebellious organisation that regals the time when a match scoreline could reach the dizzying heights of 4–2. Their name is the: Guerrillas for the Overthrow of Abject Lethargy (G.O.A.L) and they are determined to get football back to its former glory. 

Furthermore, it is said that GOAL treat a forward pass like a revolutionary act. Their members sneak into stadiums disguised as corner flags to whisper tactical advice to bored wingers. 

The irony is not lost on those people watching with interest and yes, some excitement, who will score first in the match between FAFF and GOAL. 

It might even be an exciting match.